Thoughts

Yesterday I was reminded of a rule that I don’t think I had heard of before, but that highly affected my travel plans. First year STINTers, at least in Venezuela, aren’t allowed to go back to the states (except for weddings or funerals). I was very disappointed and angry at this rule because I was already frustrated with making Christmas plans, and I just REALLY wanted to set something up soon, plus I had already started thinking of all the possibilities (staying at my house, seeing my friends, seeing a Phish concert, going to Radiate, going to Passion). My first thought was okay, that’s fine, I should hopefully still get to see my family, plus I really had wanted to travel in VZ, but I wouldn’t have unless I would be forced to stay in VZ. Then I started believing the lies – being angry at the authority for making that rule (even if it would make me not want to come back here, I still WOULD, even if it’s hard, it’s my decision to want to go home and have it be hard), it really messing up my travel plans, and being really jealous of people who get to be in the US (it’s not fair for people living in the US to live in the US!).

I just started reading Battlefield of the Mind, and while it’s okay to be upset, I don’t want to believe the lies! So I remembered the verse that assured me of my calling to Venezuela – John 15:16, which says “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide…” This spring and summer that verse assured me that God was indeed calling me to be a missionary, and that He would provide all of the support I needed because it wasn’t my idea, it was His. Yesterday that verse had a new meaning for me. It meant that I did not choose Venezuela. There is no reason anyone would choose to come here. It is not a tourist destination. BUT God chose for me to come here. He has a purpose for me being here – to bear fruit. Even though I am giving up all that the US/home has to offer – fall, beautiful things, pumpkins, hanging out with friends, almost every kind of food I used to eat (including Chipotle, Panera, Noodles & Co.), driving, safety, my bed (including an egg crate), cable, having water all day long, drinking out of the tap, knowing anyone, a better internet connection, shopping, being able to understand the sermon at church, etc. Even though I am giving up all those things, I can rejoice. Not because I made a dumb decision to be less comfortable when I could have all of those things, but because I am following God’s call. Also I just taped a bunch of encouragement notes to my wall recently, so I stopped to read some. On one of them was Psalm 20. Verses 7-8 say "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright." Sure, I could be jealous all day long looking at facebook seeing fun status updates or beautiful pictures, but I am investing in the things of Heaven, not the things of earth. The people (well, some of them) pursuing all those things I miss will collapse and fall, but I will rise and stand upright. I am storing up treasures for eternity! Friend – this world is NOT our home. Venezuela is not home, the US is not my home, and the US is not your home. No matter what we have here, it isn’t enough. We will never be satisfied until we get to our real home. We weren’t made for this world – we were made for the next.

Fortunately I could relax with a nice warm bath after a frustrating day. Then, when everyone else had gone to bed, I went to fill up my water cup to brush my teeth with. The thing I most dislike about Maracaibo is our view. It is just not pretty. Coming from beautiful Blacksburg, I really miss being able to go out and do things outside, or at least see pretty things (like driving on 81!). Before leaving the kitchen, I paused. The lights gleaming in through the window caught my eye. I opened the door to the laundry room and decided I would just look out the window and take in the view. I remember my first night here I noticed the view of the city lights in our living room, but was embarrassed to just stare since I was new and not comfortable with my living situation yet. Last night I remembered how beautiful the view is from our laundry room at night, so I just took it in. I stared out the window and appreciated the beautiful night scene. I imagined I was in America - at first it was difficult. I tried to picture what city I would be in. I couldn't think of one that had both tall buildings in the foreground and a lot of little houses and buildings in the background. I imagined that the cars that drove past below had Americans in them, and that I could walk around down there and go to a little convenience store (when is the last time you daydreamed about that?). I wished that the store that has the same awning as Blockbuster was on this side of the building so that it could participate in my little fantasy. I laughed as I watched a car slow down at an intersection and then faultily zoom through. If i was in the US I would think that person was crazy, but here it's normal. I also laughed because all of the people that were driving around wouldn't be out that late in the US. I wondered where they were going. And I was relaxed. I appreciated the city for what it is.

I grabbed my water cup, and paused in the kitchen. I remembered what it felt like to be here for the first night. "Wow, I can't believe I live here and have lived here for over a month. When I first got here, this kitchen seemed so strange and interesting. Now it seems normal." I tried to recall that perspective I had when it was new. Then I imagined myself standing in the kitchen on the last night before I leave. "On that night I will remember this night and think that wasn't very long ago." And it won't be have been very long ago. This year will go by fast. I walked back to my room and after I brushed my teeth, I peered out the 6in wide, 6ft tall window covered by what I suspect is a table runner, and I had a new attitude. Since I am here, and I am going to be here, I might as well love it. I had a lot of trouble being excited about coming here before I left because I wanted more time to spend with Whit and my family, more time to go shopping, more time to go out to eat, etc. But since I am here now, why not enjoy it? I have been spending a lot of time thinking about the US and doing US things. I don't think that's bad. However, I do think that I should get excited about things here. I should look for the things that are funny about here or the things that I love, get engaged, and make friends.

So after 5 weeks of not disengaging from home, I had about a week of homesickness. I don't know if I won't be homesick from now on, in fact, I doubt it, but I do have a new perspective now. I'm going to jump in and focus my thoughts on here and outside, not home and inside. I'm going to depend on Jesus to provide everything I want and need. Today I put that into practice. I ate lunch with the team that I coach (since they were planning a meeting for this Saturday) instead of not talking to anyone. I stayed awake during the talk (believe me, it's hard to stay awake after lunch during a talk that you can't understand!). I talked to the girls during Bible study and was interested in what they had to say and cared about the conversation as if we were friends, not as if I was only going to be here for a week. Since it was Diego's birthday, I went with a lot of the students to a Chinese restaurant after TL. The way everyone was laughing reminded me of hanging out with a big group of friends at Tech or after a Cool Spring Sunday service. Then Kaitlin, Chelsea, and I went to the mall and waited at McDonald's for a girl. We talked about convictions regarding movies and music. We moved to the couches in the McCafe, and talked about learning languages, evangelism, and politics. The girl never showed up, but it was such a great time to talk and get to know each other better and have real conversation. I treated myself to a cinnamon pretzel from Auntie Anne's (which is the hugest blessing to have here because that is what I like to treat myself to in the US too!), even though I had already treated myself to McDonald's. Before leaving the mall, we spied the most beautiful restaurant any of us had ever seen! Seriously it is sweet! It's called DaVinci and is decorated antiquely and modernly. We asked them about it and they said it just opened today! It has a couch area (with beautiful white couches) on the "terrace" where we totally wished we had spent the last few hours instead of at McCafe. Don't worry though, we will get dressed up and go there soon! Once home, the Powars came down and gifted me with the SPICED PUMPKIN candle that I had admired in their apt earlier! It has to be my favorite candle ever, and I couldn't find it when we drove to Hallmark right before it closed the night before I left the states. Then we all talked and laughed and thought about Aruba and the next visa renewal. The storale of the mory is don't slop your dripper! - er, God poured out many blessings today and satisfies through all circumstances. And we have much to look forward to in Heaven, so let's spend our time here on earth wherever He leads! And thus ends the first chapter of the novel I just wrote. Thanks for reading if you made it this far! Sometimes this blog will be more of a journal than an update, just fyi.